Had my life since all been a dream? Was I still there? Irrational questions plaguing my thoughts all the time.
I know that I won’t be alone in this, there are millions of people around the world who suffer from PTSD. I fear a large majority do so in silence. This is me sharing my recent experiences as the more we speak about the darker side of life, the less power it holds over us.
Like a ghost, the spectre of PTSD reared its entire catalogue of symptoms again recently. Unlike a depression episode, PTSD has a myriad of different facets which can manifest individually or, as in my recent case, combine and completely overtake your life, devastating any hopes of having a ‘normal’ day.
I might have guessed as my memory began to falter and I’d stop in mid-sentence, unable to follow the thread of conversation or recall the words I wanted to use. However, this can happen with the Menopause which is what I chalked it up to.
I should have guessed as daylight didn’t seem to be as bright as it should have been, my appetite disappeared and I stopped eating, taste buds stopped tasting, my sense of smell disappeared, interest in everything vanished and just getting up in the morning was an effort. But this can happen with depression and that is what I assumed was beginning to descend.
And then I started hearing things.
Screeching metal. Metal scraping ferociously along metal with a screech that made all your teeth hurt and saliva flood your mouth.
Deafening bangs that drowned out everything else and seemed to be warning of immediate and urgent danger.
Screaming. Humans crying out in pain and agony, calling for help and in its quieter moments the sound of a multitude of moaning.
And then I started seeing things.
A plume of fire caught out of the corner of my eye making me duck and turn away. Dark objects flying across my line of vision, hurtling in from every direction and at varying speeds. The horizon seemingly darken and start moving as though caught in a maelstrom at sea.
And then I started smelling things.
Powerful wafts of diesel fumes started to roll in. The acrid smell of scorched cloth, plastic and burnt flesh.
Had my life since all been a dream? Was I still there? Irrational questions plaguing my thoughts all the time. There was simply no rest from it – even when exhaustion took over. My physical health deteriorated as self-care disappeared entirely. The mental side of PTSD began to manifest into being physically painful, leaving me bent double in pain or curled up trembling on the floor.
I’ll admit that the even darker thoughts appeared about just wanting it all to stop. To lay down and quietly leave the world. However, as I have lived with PTSD for so long, I instantly dismissed these particular thoughts, refusing to contemplate any such thing.
And it kept on happening. Every single day and night for almost 2 months. Yes, I tried the CBT I have been taught over the years and I knew medication wasn’t going to help as there is nothing that can alleviate all of the symptoms. Friends and family wouldn’t be able to help as I couldn’t articulate what was happening and the disassociation I felt made me avoid other human beings.
I did manage to reach out to my psychologist who has been with me through these episodes before. He was the only one I could face and I clung to his increased sessions like a life raft. He kept me afloat enough that, though I was functioning like a Zombie, I trusted that at some point the PTSD would lose its grip.
It’s 2 months on now and, at last, I can see and feel the end. It is gradually passing like some exorcised spirit. The days seem brighter, the sounds, smells and phantom feelings have abated and the nightmares stopped a few days ago, allowing me to sleep without disturbance or fear. My head is clearer, I am beginning to interact with other people again and my thoughts have turned to how I am going to address my deplorable physical state.
I hope that I will never have to go through another such episode again, however I don’t discount that I might and if I do then I do. At the moment I feel tender, both mentally and physically, and it will take me time to get back to full strength and energy. However, the best part now is that I am hopeful and optimistic again and ready to start enjoying life again.
Please do feel free to share if you are a fellow sufferer. I may not be able to help as PTSD is such a personal affliction, however I can listen and, as I alluded to at the start of this article, when we talk about our dark that’s when the light has a chance.
Like a ghost, the spectre of PTSD reared its entire catalogue of symptoms again recently.
