(A lesson I’ve learnt the hard way)
We all know that person, don’t we, who, when asked the generic ‘how are you?’ answers that bit too in depth – I mean down to the very last tablet they’re taking and why, what a hopeless sleep they had last night, how sick the budgie is and the appalling state of their finances/love life and everything in between.
And don’t we all roll our eyes skywards (metaphorically if it’s in person, actually if we’re on the phone) thinking that although I asked the question, I don’t REALLY want or need to know all the ins and outs of your life, down to the minutest detail.
Now those of you who know me well know that I’m not one to knock authenticity – why should we hide all emotion from others, not open up or accept it’s OK to be not OK?
But when it’s a friend or close colleague who gives you the ‘woe is me’ story every single time you speak, seeks your advice on how to tackle a particular situation (repeatedly) then turns a deaf ear to any advice, suggestions or tips you offer – till the next phone call when it’s simply a case of rewind and start again with the same old stories (or new, updated versions of the old ones) – it’s hard to keep the motivation going.
For better or worse, I’m someone who’s been through my fair share of hideousness; I’ve experienced pretty much everything awful that life could throw at me, yet could count in single figures the times I’ve regaled colleagues with my traumas, expecting them to wave their magic wand and make it all go away for me.
Of course it’s right and proper to share concerns with others (time and a place though, remember) but they are not responsible for your life – you are.
Life is not going to drop good fortune in your lap or change your experiences for you. It takes a bit of effort from yourself. Take responsibility if you want things to change!
Sure, seek advice, it’s healthy – but when it’s offered, in good faith, act upon it or explain why it’s not applicable to your circumstances. Don’t bleed the other person dry for ideas then kick them to the kerb with no explanation – and, worse still, go running back to them when, unsurprisingly, your problem is still there or your next disaster strikes.
Remember Einstein’s definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. It’s not going to happen, trust me.
I have a friend who has sought my advice and help on various troubles in her life for almost ten years now and while I used to offer all kinds of advice, even taking the trouble of making introductions to others who could solve her problems, when it was consistently ignored, I gave up. Now I listen to her regaling me with tales of woe without racking my brain for novel ideas, however it’s always with a sense of sadness I finish our call as an opportunity lost.
Now I’m not blowing my own trumpet here but given my ongoing house disasters, did I give in to the stressful situation? Did I just fold up and give up? Well, after a bit of a vodka-fuelled cry, I squared my shoulders and got on with it. I have harried, researched and found the solutions to my various problems and momentum is now picking up. Yes, I took advice but ultimately it was me, my head that did the thinking, my own self-talk that guided me on the right path because I realised it was my life, my responsibility.
Yes, there have been some tough times but there was no knight on a white charger coming round the corner to sprinkle fairy dust and make everything rosy in the garden. I didn’t like things, so I had to change them. Simple.
While the philosophy is straightforward, I accept the action might not always be.
But dig deep, listen to others whose opinion you value, try new strategies, seek professional help if necessary. Just don’t sit there wallowing in self-pity, moaning to others and refusing to pick up the reins to steer your own path.
At the end of the day, it’s your life to live to the fullest, nobody else can do it for you
"Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results"
